push it to the limit

I just had one of my worst/best runs. So many factors working against me. The wind was unforgiving and I was tired, my legs were aching. My mind was racing, with thoughts about work and my unanswered health questions. And I thought about my identity, my many roles. I actually had a runners crisis on those trails.

I started questioning why I run, how I will I ever complete a half marathon. Why can't I just hit up the gym a few times a week to stay fit like everyone else? Then I became nauseous towards the end. Instead of pushing the seven miles (I don't know why in those moments my instinct is to pursue more pain), I stopped. I ran 6.16 miles at a pace of 9'39. Technically this is a new personal distance record - and my pace - shocking. Especially considering the running through molasses image in my mind.

Now I feel like I do after a meditation. Sometimes being with my thoughts is a scary place, but in the end, I'm always happy I worked those muscles. Every exercise is a trip to the unknown. A good friend told me years ago, that most people don't dare leave their comfort zone. He was referring to my move across country, and I scoffed at the notion that I was doing something brave. When we push ourselves to the limit, beyond what's comfortable, we truly get to know ourselves. I may have bouts of insecurity but, I know I am strong.

And could probably outrun a dangerous killer.