The decision to flee came suddenly—or maybe not. Perhaps it wasn’t a decision at all. It seems that when one is handed the very thing they have wanted for years, even decades, the tendency is to blink, smile, and run for the hills ~ Hunter S. Thompson
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
and so it goes
I started this blog two years ago because I needed a safe place to vent. Then I forgot about it and - I am ashamed to admit - played into internet mind games. So, we move on, forgive and forget. Out with the old and in with the new. Etc, etc.
With my recent marriage and increasing job responsibilities, I have been thinking about obligations and what makes me happy. I was always obsessed with balance - friends, love, money, health - but what about the extras that squeeze in? If there's one thing I won't tolerate it's clutter - both physical and mental. For years I refused to hold grudges, but really, I was hiding my anger. I decided it was easier to stash all the negativity in the back of brain and the hatred hid in my heart. I was calm but neurotic. It's time to cleanse myself.
I thought the answer to my demons was philosphy. I needed a new outlook on the world, to realize things are not as they seem. Exististentialism attracted me, but was too intellectual. It only intensified my insecurities and left me believing the key to happiness is emotional detachment. I can't and refuse to be numb. Life is pain and love, not an eternal psychoanalysis session. If the answer to my problems is stomping my heart with my brain, I'd rather spend forever being unhappy. My heart knows the truth. The problem is the path to my brain.
I need spirituality not philosphy. The journey began a few weeks ago when I started reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. She's neither an expert nor a guru. She's simply a woman who suffered a heart-wrenching divorce and decided to write about her globe skipping adventures. She's neurotic to the point of turning a blind eye to her happiness when it's sitting on her face. She's looking for closure and balance. Like me, she has inner demons to tackle, and no amount of talking will help, whether to a friend or shrink.
She spends a few months in Italy, consuming obscene amounts of food, wine and books. She relishes the leisure then spends a few months in India. She stays at an Ashram in an extremely remote village, waking up at 3:00 AM everyday for hours of meditation, silence and labor. Her visit is torture until she finally mucks through her brain's obsessions. And it's truly breathtaking what she finds there. I've been practicing a few methods she mentions and I undesrtand what I've been doing wrong for all these years. In order to control my brain, I must understand it first.
Buddhism. Buddhism brings me back to writing and what else, well, I can't wait.
With my recent marriage and increasing job responsibilities, I have been thinking about obligations and what makes me happy. I was always obsessed with balance - friends, love, money, health - but what about the extras that squeeze in? If there's one thing I won't tolerate it's clutter - both physical and mental. For years I refused to hold grudges, but really, I was hiding my anger. I decided it was easier to stash all the negativity in the back of brain and the hatred hid in my heart. I was calm but neurotic. It's time to cleanse myself.
I thought the answer to my demons was philosphy. I needed a new outlook on the world, to realize things are not as they seem. Exististentialism attracted me, but was too intellectual. It only intensified my insecurities and left me believing the key to happiness is emotional detachment. I can't and refuse to be numb. Life is pain and love, not an eternal psychoanalysis session. If the answer to my problems is stomping my heart with my brain, I'd rather spend forever being unhappy. My heart knows the truth. The problem is the path to my brain.
I need spirituality not philosphy. The journey began a few weeks ago when I started reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. She's neither an expert nor a guru. She's simply a woman who suffered a heart-wrenching divorce and decided to write about her globe skipping adventures. She's neurotic to the point of turning a blind eye to her happiness when it's sitting on her face. She's looking for closure and balance. Like me, she has inner demons to tackle, and no amount of talking will help, whether to a friend or shrink.
She spends a few months in Italy, consuming obscene amounts of food, wine and books. She relishes the leisure then spends a few months in India. She stays at an Ashram in an extremely remote village, waking up at 3:00 AM everyday for hours of meditation, silence and labor. Her visit is torture until she finally mucks through her brain's obsessions. And it's truly breathtaking what she finds there. I've been practicing a few methods she mentions and I undesrtand what I've been doing wrong for all these years. In order to control my brain, I must understand it first.
Buddhism. Buddhism brings me back to writing and what else, well, I can't wait.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)